


a stork's nightmare

by ForeverAlone5



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Accidental Baby Acquisition, Alternate Universe - Magic, Alternate Universe - Magical Realism, Fae & Fairies, Fae Magic, Fluff, Gen, M/M, Magic, Platonic Relationships, Potions, Potions Accident, Queerplatonic Relationships, Yuletide, cursing, very ominous patton
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:32:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28423239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForeverAlone5/pseuds/ForeverAlone5
Summary: Janus just wanted to get his partner a birthday gift, goddammit.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20
Collections: Sanders Sides 2020 Gift Exchange





	a stork's nightmare

“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.”

“I have an explanation.”

Janus had his hands on his hips, hip cocked to one side giving Virgil an incredulous look. In truth, Janus didn’t think that Virgil could explain, wrist deep in what appears to foam. At least he hoped it was foam. He shuddered to think what else it could be.

“Please, proceed to explain to me why our front room looks like when a nuclear explosion happened. Did Japan drop another bomb on us without me knowing it?”

“One,” Virgil put up a finger, “harsh. Two, I was experimenting.” Virgil pulled his leg out of something, getting stuck as he pulled it out, jumping up and down to shake it off. “If I manage to get this particular part down, then I’ll be able to transport goods without even leaving the house.”

Janus scoffed with an amused little laugh, “You just don’t want to leave the house.”

Virgil gave him a sneer, “I’m helping those that can’t leave the house because they’re at risk or in danger. And what do you do, Mx. Menagerie but won’t adopt out any of the animals.”

Stretching out one of his hands, long and yellow, Janus picked up something with his index and thumb, “One, you know magical animals and familiars are much more difficult to adopt than the average pet. Two, you’re cleaning this up, otherwise you know who will come in and make it _worse_.”

Virgil paled, clicking his fingers and a third of the mess disappeared into the void. Nervously, he pushed out a lock of dirty blond hair, bleached and dry with the amount of times he dyed it purple. (Which never made sense to Janus when Virgil could just will it to change to purple if he wanted to.) “He’s out of jail?”

“Patton bailed him out again,” Janus nodded with a slight sneer. “That softie.”

“He’s our puffball,” Virgil said with a small smile, and Janus sneered, wrinkling his nose. He tossed the thing near Virgil’s feet, using another hand to wipe his curls away.

“He’s a pushover, that’s what he is,” Janus crossed two of his arms across his chest. The other four wandered, picking up and folding strewn clothing or throwing away wrappers that Virgil didn’t remember to throw away yet. Gods above, he didn’t know why he decided to room with this slob. Willing away his other hands when the apartment had some semblance of cleanliness to it, he slipped on his slippers.

Virgil rolled his eyes, grabbing a vial of something (Janus didn’t want to know, he turned a blind eye whenever Virgil dabbled with his potions, it was the best for everyone) and tossed it back down his throat, slamming it down on the table.

He swept off his past failed experiments, food wrappers, and a… dismembered hand…. Janus didn’t want to know and Virgil started furiously typing on his ragged old laptop, a frenzy in his eyes.

Janus picked his way over to Virgil daintily, walking on damn near tiptoes to avoid the catastrophe on the floor. He did _not_ want a repeat of last month, shuddering at the memory. No, best to make sure that he didn’t step on anything at all.

Just as he thought that, his slippers caught on something squishy and slimy. Janus shut his eyes and deliberately did not look down. He made it over to Virgil’s odd potion making desk, sitting on the armchair next to Virgil’s office chair. He nudged Virgil’s shoulder, trying to give him a smile that didn’t come out sarcastic.

He didn’t succeed but Virgil gave him a smile anyway. “Sorry, I just—I really need to get these orders out soon. And add on top of the fact that I’m experimenting new solutions and potions. I think I’m getting close to a breakthrough, Jan, so I am Stressed. The capitalization _is_ necessary,” he added when Janus went to open his mouth to comment.

“You’re not as moody as Roman gets when he’s in a creative block,” Janus said, and Virgil groaned, leaning his head against Janus’ shoulders and closing his eyes. Janus laughed at the exaggerated pain on Virgil’s face.

“Don’t remind me,” Virgil complained, nuzzling slightly into Janus. Athena, Virgil’s spider, crawled out from somewhere, burrowing into Virgil’s sweater. Virgil petted over the spider, “We’re never letting him stay over again. Him _or_ his brother. Screw what Patton says.”

Janus patted Virgil’s head in a mockery of comfort, tangling his fingers in sweat damp, curly hair. “There, there, the scary oracle can’t get you here.”

Virgil shoved him and Janus laughed mockingly. “Piss off, you dick.” He stretched his arms up and over his head, shirt riding up. “Alright. Break time over. Get out.”

“What the fuck, I just got home. I didn’t even get to say hi to Medusa yet!”

Virgil glared and a snake slithered out from nowhere, head raising and tongue flickering out in greeting before ducking back into whatever dark burrow she was in before. “There, she said hi. And I don’t need you watching over me and being a nitpicky little shit when I do something.”

“God, you’re a prick.”

“Takes one to know one,” Virgil sneered, harsh tone belied by the fondness in his blue eyes. He pushed Janus out of his chair, giving him a shove back towards the door magically. The warmth of Virgil’s magic wrapped around him, nudging him gently out the room.

With a roll of his eyes and a mocking tip of his hat, Janus let the magic guide him out and the apartment door shut behind him with a soft click. He stared at the other apartment door that lived across from them then looked down.

He was still in his slippers, goddammit.

* * *

“I’ve no idea what you want me to say, Janus,” Logan said, shelving some books. The bastard didn’t even have to look at where he was shelving them, just waved his hand and the books fluttered up and slotted themselves into the correct places.

Show off.

“Virgil’s birthday is coming up soon, and I don’t know what to get him. You’re the brains in this operation, I know you have some ideas.”

“Haven’t you been planning something since last year when he got you that Cerberus?” Logan raised a brow, tilting his head to the side. His hair fell in front of his glasses, having already lost its gel during his shift.

“C’ _mon_ , specs,” Janus said, words on the verge of a whine. But not a full whine because he still had a bit of dignity left in him, “you’re Virgil’s brother. Surely you have _some_ idea of what he might want.”

Logan only looked at him over the top of his glasses, crystal blue eyes full of humour. “My apologies, Janus, but I sincerely wouldn’t know what Virgil would want. He hasn’t called me to complain about you or anyone else in a while, however, take that as you will.”

Janus sighed, feeling at least a little better at that reassurance. He puffed a bit, tossing his scarf behind him, “Well, seems I have to find another way to rile him up.”

Logan gave him a disapproving look over his glasses, glacial blue eyes cold as the winter. “Do not take my compliance of the two of you as agreement or even complacency, Janus Snake-Eyed. Virgil is still my brother and I will protect him no matter how entwined the two of you are if you intend to hurt him once again.”

He stood to his full height, back rimrod straight and eyes morphing to the coldest blue and features turning more gracile, feline, and dangerous. The light dimmed around him as Logan drew up, room freezing as Logan warned Janus.

Janus shivered when Logan used his full name and title, inclining his head in agreement. “Of course,” he said breezily, “I would expect nothing less, Logan Shrewd-Mind.”

The blue eyes retreated from glacial to normal as he nodded briskly, “Good, now I have a shop to tend and you have a gift to find for my brother. I suggest you be on your way lest the day comes and you come to him empty handed.”

Janus blanched, glowering at Logan but the shrewd one had already turned his back, waving a hand to open the door in a gesture to kick him out. Show off, Janus thought, taking the cue. The door shut with a deafening click and Janus had to blink to orientate himself.

“The subway!” he screeched once he realized where the shop had dropped him off. “Fuck you, Logan!”

His phone vibrated in his pouch, and Janus grit his teeth as he made his way carefully out of the germ infested underground.

_> >>where r u?_

Janus frowned at the message, checking the sender once again to ensure that he had read it right.

_< <<I’ve just left Logan’s shop, why?_

_> >>come to my bakery please <3333_

The hearts he could’ve done without but Patton was never one to skirt around his affection for others, no matter how often Janus resisted. He pocketed his phone with a sigh, shrugging his peacoat closer around himself, the cold settling in.

He felt the chill set in and his skin itched as he trekked out into the winter streets. Snow clung onto his boots and he deliberately avoided eye contact with anyone else. Turning a corner, Janus cringed at the bright decorations that hung off the shop.

With Yule coming up soon, Patton went nuts with decorating for it. Holly and mistletoe hung up as beautiful wreaths and garlands along the frames of the doors. Blue and yellow glowed gently as mood lighting even as red and green candles lit up the alters.

Baked goods and a yule log laid out as a feast for all as he walked in, the bell above the door jingling a happy tune that made him roll his eyes.

The glamour around the decorated shop was strong enough that Janus felt like he was going cross eyed when he looked around at the patrons. Fae and other beings alike walked amongst the mortals and Janus had to blink multiple times unless he got dizzy.

His scales itched around his left eye and Janus had to resist scratching it lest he bled out again. A bad habit that he was only just getting rid of, but old habits die hard after all.

A mug floated gently in front of his eyes, and Janus stared at it, cross eyed, before grabbing it. The smooth chocolate and warmth filled his stomach and he shivered at the feeling. He dug out a few mushrooms, throwing it up in the air.

“Ooh, fly agaric, feeling a bit generous, are you?” Patton’s voice echoed, a little sardonic. The bright red mushrooms disappeared from view, a tiny pop that popped his ears. “I didn’t take you to have mushrooms in your pocket, Snake-Heart.”

“Hello, Patton,” Janus murmured, both hands covering the mug. “I need to have treats and exchanges and such for my friends and companions, no?”

Patton fluttered in on gossamer wings, moss crawling up his dark skin and patchwork clothes. Twigs and leaves littered over his dark brown hair, woven into the dreads and braids. “Well met, Snake-Heart. Tell me, how is my Dark-One?”

“Well met,” Janus inclined in his head with a dark smile. “He’s doing well, he misses you.”

A smile spread across Patton’s face, changing the wary expression on his face instantly. He fluttered up and down, a buzz as he flew right into Janus’ face, “Really? We should hang out again some time. It was fun last time, and I found a new cookie recipe to try out that I think he would like!”

Janus couldn’t help the smile that grew in response, but he tried hard to repress it. “Ha! Don’t even try, Snake-Heart! I saw that smile.” Patton flew a loop-de-loop around him, gossamer wings glittering a soft blue and purple. “It’s nice to know we’re friends too, even if we got off on the wrong foot in the beginning. I think you’re a good friend to my son.”

“He’s not your son,” an age old argument that made Patton grumble, dark eyes darkening even more at the thought.

“Not for lack of trying.” Patton brightened, “But his birthday is coming up soon, yes? On Yule?”

“A few days before,” Janus corrected. He finished off the hot chocolate, the drink immediately disappearing from the world and a cookie appeared in its place. Janus fished out a few different mushrooms, tossing them to Patton who caught them with an enthusiastic glee.

“ _Gyromitra infula_! I love these!” Patton vibrated up and down as he zipped to the back room. “Come on, Snake-Heart!”

Janus followed leisurely, nibbling the cookie on and off. Fae littered around the cafe/bakery, human and ethereal form. They all giggled and gave Janus conspiratory looks at him, giggling behind their hands.

Janus ignored them all, used to the stares from his burn marks and scales. His scales started to itch, and he finished off the cookie with a dry swallow. He lifted the moss curtain door that stood in between the kitchen and the main room.

“I’ll be with you in a moment, kiddo!” Patton’s voice echoed, making Janus feel like he had vertigo. He shook his head, tucking his hands in his pockets and burrowing into his scarf.

“You know I can heal those burns for you,” Patton popped to his right, Janus gritting his teeth to hide his surprise. “While they do seem very powerful reminders, they must hurt, don’t they?” Patton floated, legs crossed and body floating upside down.

“While I appreciate the offer,” Janus grit out, “I must decline. Might I know why you summoned me here?”

“Summoned?” Patton laughed, his glasses glinting a dark blue before clearing to transparency. “You don’t have to sound so formal about it, kiddo? I just wanted to see how you were doing, and what you were planning to get for my Dark-One’s birthday.”

“Still in the works,” Janus said. It grated on his nerves that everyone kept reminding him of his inadequacy of getting a present for his own damn partner. “I’ll get him one before his birthday, you needn’t worry.”

“Oh, I’m not worried!” Patton said brightly. He righted himself, still cross legged. “I know you keep your promises, Snake-Heart! You have to, after all. And I’m not worried about that. Partnerships are about com- _promises_ after all.”

Janus closed his eyes, sighing heavily, “Please for the Lady’s Sake, do not.”

“Well, that’s a little harsh,” Patton pouted, the words coming off much more sinister than they should. “But I like you! And you’re with my Dark-Heart, so I’ll let this one go.”

“Do you have any ideas what he might like for his birthday?” Janus asked. It never hurt to get a second opinion. And loathe as he was to admit it, Patton was the second best person to ask about Virgil, well tied for second, Logan was also second best. Himself being _the_ best, of course.

“Nope!” Patton giggled at the despondent look on Janus’ face, “He’s told me so many times not to get him any, and I always have to guess. It’s not fair! But I’m sure you’ll know when you see it. You’re his partner after all.”

“Yes, I suppose so,” Janus said grudgingly.

Patton beamed at Janus, patting his head and ruffling his hair. A breeze swirls his small pony tail and the wisps of hair out of his face. “I know you can figure something out. We don’t tell you this enough, but you’ve truly become a great partner to Virgil.”

Janus twitched at Virgil’s name, not liking how Patton’s tongue twisted around Virgil’s name. While Patton is not a complete fae, but a changeling, but he was a changeling who lived by Fae Rules and names were a much powerful tool.

“Thank you,” Janus inclined his head.

“Of course. You’re a dear friend, Janus.”

Chills wracked down Janus’ spine. And an awkward smile spread across his lips. He never liked it when Patton used his name. Patton was very much a threat and could defeat him in one fell swoop but he was never one for destruction. For which Janus was grateful because Virgil will be very unhappy if he hurt Patton or if Patton hurt Janus.

Tipping his hat to Patton, Janus took that as his cue to exit through the backdoor of the shop. Vertigo consumed him as the shop whirled between the mortal realm and magical. He sighed when he left. He had never liked the fae, never one for their tricks. As much as he emulated their ethics and style, he was never one to truly live like fae. He rubbed his hands together, tucking his hands under his arms as his breath blew out in a cool mist.

Snow gently fell down in flakes, the gentle falling contrasting with the clumps of white on the ground that threatened to snow many people into their own homes with no way out. Janus trudged through slowly, carefully ensuring that he didn’t get stuck.

The way back to his and Virgil’s apartment was straightforward and had no distractions at least. And Janus sighed a breath of relief when he closed the front door, the warmth seeping in as he shook off the snow from his coat.

The living room was dark as Janus made his way deeper, black out curtains drawn around all of the windows. Virgil at least had the decency to clean up after himself, Janus mused. Even as the rest of the room looked like something exploded.

He picked up a few pieces of trash, humming as he dusted off cabinets and swept the floors. Virgil’s work desk was much cleaner than the rest of the room, lines of cauldrons and vials neatly lining up on shelves labeled and straight.

There was one black pot still bubbling over a low simmering fire, the color dull beige with slow bubbles popping up one by one. It smelled vaguely like cinnamon cookies, and Janus smiled at the nostalgia that washed over him.

“Well, at least there’s only one witch’s pot bubbling over,” Janus said. “Now if only Virgil would learn how to actually bake cinnamon cookies. Then I wouldn’t be so hungry for cookies.”

He shook his head, turning to leave when something drifted to the ground, catching his eye. He frowned, crouching down to see what it was just in case that he actually knocked over something of Virgil’s. Only a half-torn sticky note laid almost forgotten on the ground.

The sticky note was written in Virgil’s familiar cramped scrawl, half ripped when Janus picked it up. _‘—in when boil! DON’T STIR!!!!’_ Janus read, frowning. He looked over the cauldron, the mixture starting to bubble over. He turned off the fire, relaxing when the potion relaxed and lowered to a simmer.

Janus uncorked the little bottle, a little spurt of something burst out, smelling like both fresh apples and rotten meat somehow. He gagged at the scent and pinched it between his index and thumb, looking between the cauldron and the vial.

With a deep breath that Janus immediately regretted, he tipped the vial’s content into the cauldron. The potion burst with a spark of purple and yellow and Janus did _not_ yelp in surprise as a puff of a heart exploded out before immediately retracting.

Janus groaned, swiping a hand down his face in exhaustion, scratching his scales and avoiding his burns. “That’s the last time I let him pull another all-nighter to brew.” He capped the vial again, setting it down next to the cauldron. He pulled out a pen and another sticky note, neatly writing to Virgil not to leave his experiments out again.

Janus turned around and headed back to his room, grumbling to himself and not noticing that he had shed a scale into the cauldron. While also completely deaf to the soft giggling that came from inside the brew.

* * *

“Jan! Jan! JANUS!” Virgil screamed his name from wherever he was in the apartment, the yell echoing and drilling into his head.

Janus groaned, turning over in his bed and muffling Virgil with a pillow over his head. It was much too early to listen to Virgil rant about whatever he was obsessed with at the moment.

“JANUS, I’M SERIOUSLY FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW. GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE!”

“BIGFOOT DOESN’T CARE ABOUT HAVING SEX! HE IS CLEARLY ASEXUAL AND WOULD NEVER GET DOWN WITH MOTHMAN!” Janus yelled back, growling and burrowing in deeper into his blankets.

“FUCK YOU! STOP RUINING MY OTP!” Virgil immediately yelled back, and there was only blessed quiet.

For one moment.

“WAIT, THAT’S NOT WHAT I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT!” Virgil screeched.

Stomping echoed through the apartment and Virgil burst into his room, ignoring Janus’ squawk of protest. “Virgil, what the hell!?” He sat up, blankets pooling down to show himself shirtless and riddled with scars and scales.

Years ago, he would’ve never tolerated anyone bursting into his room unannounced, half self-conscious of his appearance and the other half just genuinely wanting his own space. But after being with Virgil for a couple years now, he quickly learned that sometimes it was necessary to sacrifice space and boundaries.

The emo was lucky that Janus cared for him.

Janus scowled, raking a hand through dark curls and bleary eyes. “What the hell do you want now?” He blinked, taking in Virgil’s appearance, not worse for wear but definitely much more panicked than he should be. Not to mention what he had in his hands.

Janus threw his blankets off, no longer self conscious as alarm took precedence. He pulled up his sleep pants, “Virgil, that’s a baby.”

“Really? I thought it was a fucking monkey,” he said dry, just barely tinged with panic. Virgil held a tiny, naked baby in front of him, probably six months, under the armpits, as if the baby was a bomb on the verge of exploding. “Care to explain _why_ I found this swimming in one of my cauldrons having the time of their life?”

Janus wrinkled his nose at how Virgil was carrying the baby, “Give me them,” he muttered, snatching the child and cradling the baby in his arms tenderly. “How am I supposed to know? I came home from Patton’s with you gone and went straight to bed.”

“You sure you didn’t accidentally kidnap a baby or notice if one just followed you home?” Virgil edged closer to Janus’ bed, settling hesitantly on the end of the bed. “We don’t want another Winston incident.”

“One time you don’t notice a direwolf following you and suddenly everyone’s a critic,” Janus muttered with a dry smirk on his lips. He bounced the baby absentmindedly on his knee, cooing and making silly faces to appease the baby. At least there was a diaper. Janus didn’t know if he could handle a naked baby in his arms right now.

A hand slapped curiously at his scales, and Janus winced, carefully peeling off the baby’s hand, “No, we don’t do that in this house, okay? You hear me? No slapping,” he said it sternly, a finger pointing in front of the baby’s face to emphasize his point.

Wide pink eyes stared back at him and a gummy smile spread across chubby cheeks, “Gah!” the baby cheered in what Janus hoped was agreement. Tufts of magenta hair tickled Janus’ scars and Janus sneezed at the feeling.

A hand slapped Janus’ _other_ cheek and the face he made caused the baby to burst out into hysterical peels of laughter. Janus sighed, picking the hand off his cheek again with a fond smile twitching at his lips. He blew raspberries on the chubby tummy, eliciting more peels of laughter, tickling and cheering up the baby.

“Not that this isn’t entertaining,” Virgil interrupted and Janus looked up from his torment. “But there’s still the matter that there is a baby in our home when there wasn’t a baby before. Any explanations?”

“Maybe a changeling?” Janus shrugged, hoisting the baby up to rest on his shoulder, rocking back and forth.

“Maybe,” Virgil conceded, “but we haven’t had any dealings with the fae lately, have we? Only my clientele but none of the exchanges have covered accidental babies. Also, what is the gender, I cannot handle calling the baby, baby in my head.”

Rolling his eyes, Janus took a peek, “Congratulations, it’s a boy.” The words came out flat even as the Snake-Eyed rocked the baby on his chest a bit, letting him sleep on his shoulder.

“Great, we have a baby, back to the real question: _how_?” Virgil looked absolutely fascinated with how Janus was carrying the baby, but he didn’t try to take him from Janus’ arms, letting Janus take care of him instead and trusting that Janus knew what to do. “Did you do something different last night? Talk to a stranger? Accept a _gift_??”

“No, nothing,” Janus shook his head. “All I did was help you with a potion and then went to bed.”

“Okay, okay, then there has to be something--” Virgil visibly froze, looking at Janus with wide blue eyes, “did you say help me with a potion? What potion? What did you do?”

“Er, you had a note that said to add a vial once it had boiled, I tipped it in and that’s it.” Janus shifted the baby’s head to rest on his other shoulder, rubbing his back and making sure he was comfortable. “Was I… not supposed to do that?”

Virgil stared at him with wide eyes, and the room darkened to a dim purple. Anxiety clenched in Janus’ stomach, no doubt Virgil’s doing, probably by accident. Virgil didn’t seem to realize that he had dropped the temperature in the room by at least ten degrees, and Janus shivered, hugging the baby tighter when he started to wail in discomfort.

The noise from the baby seemed to startle Virgil enough back into awareness and he meeped before popping into thin air, a note puffing out in his place. Janus sighed, snatching the note with one of his spare hands, stretching it out and then reading it.

_‘I know what happened, give me a couple hours.’_

Janus looked at the baby in his arms and then to the note in his other hand. The baby looked up at him with innocent purple eyes, giving him a wide and gummy smile.

“Guess it’s just you and me, huh, baby,” Janus tapped his nose, getting a squeal of laughter in response. They couldn’t just keep calling him baby. The kid’ll get a complex before he was even one. Janus felt a small smile twitch up, names bubbling in small thoughts, “Yeah, guess it is. Let’s see.” He stood up, transferring the baby into his other pair of arms, and pulled on a shirt.

Going through his normal routine with a baby in two of his hands was much more difficult than he thought it would be, maneuvering to ensure that the baby was entertained as well as not dropped on the ground. He tickled the baby as he brushed his teeth, delighting in the little giggles that the child expelled. What names would be good for a child?

Jack? No, too mundane. Larry? No, then it would only bring up memories of the Three Stooges. Decisions, decisions. Well, there was that one….

“Okay, I think I figured out what happened,” Virgil popped in with a quiet puff. Janus lurched, heart pounding in his chest as he almost threw his toothbrush out of his grip.

“Lady above, don’t _do_ that,” Janus hissed, spitting out the toothpaste foam. “especially when I’m holding a _baby_.” Virgil’s words caught up to him and he looked up at Virgil seriously. “What did you figure out?”

“That we didn’t kidnap a baby at least,” Virgil pushed himself to sit up on the bathroom counter, legs dangling as he looked at the baby in Janus’ arms.

“Well, that’s a relief,” Janus said dryly. He washed his mouth, wiping his face clean and dabbing on a bit of cologne. He swiped a hand through his hair, the strands feeling a bit greasy. He grimaced but shrugged, not caring enough in the event that they may have kidnapped a child.

With a sigh, he brought the baby close to him, plucking the cooing thing into his main arms. Janus placed the baby on his hip, bouncing him slightly as Virgil tried not to seem like he was staring intently.

“Okay, so how do we suddenly have a baby?”

“You fucked up my potion,” Virgil said bluntly.

“Virgil!” Janus hissed, covering the baby’s ears with two hands. “There is a _child_ here. Watch your language.”

“Okay, bit of a hypocrite much?” Virgil ignored the glare that Janus sent his way, continuing, “Anyway, the potion I was making last night had my essence in there and somehow yours got added into the mix. Do you remember what you did after you poured the belladonna?”

“I went to bed, I swear.” Janus sighed, bouncing the baby up and down when he started to fuss and cry. “Before I came home, I did speak with Patton, but nothing about babies or children. Are you sure that it was your potion?”

“Well, I found that thing _in_ my cauldron where my potion was supposed to be,” Virgil said wryly. “So not much else to be considered. Are you sure nothing of your essence got into the pot?”

“Well,” Janus cast his thoughts back to last night, “I scratched my cheek… would that count as my essence?”

“Did anything fall off?”

“...no?”

“And you sound so certain,” Virgil said disappointedly.

“A scale might have, I don’t know. God, Virgil, you think I would deliberately fu--” a furtive glance at the child in his arms, Janus lowered his voice, “screw up your potion? I thought you knew me better than that.”

“I—you’re right, I’m sorry, Jan.” Virgil hung his head low, eyes hidden by fallen hair. “It just—doesn’t make sense.”

“No, I mean who would want to give up this cutie?” Janus bopped the young boy’s nose, making his pink eyes go cross eyed as he tried to catch Janus’ finger, giggling.

“Oh gods, you’re _attached_.” Virgil slumped back against the bathroom mirror with a groan of despair.

“Pardon,” Janus lifted his head from the top of the baby’s, “I am _not_ attached. How ridiculous.”

“You only get pedantic when you lie,” Virgil waved off Janus’ indignation. He pulled his hoodie on, drawing the strings to tighten around his head. “That’s your attached face. I remember it when I told you we couldn’t keep the direwolf.”

Janus made a face at being so obviously caught, and Virgil continues, “Also, you probably already have a name for the kid, don’t you?”

Guilt spread across Janus’ face as he nodded sheepishly, “Emile. I thought he needed a name. We couldn’t just keep calling him baby or kid.”

“You know names have power,” Virgil said seriously and Janus straightened, nodding his head.

“Of course, I do,” Janus murmured, rocking the baby—Emile—in his arms securely. Emile yawned, eyes fluttering shut as he laid his head to rest on Janus’ shoulder. “I wouldn’t name him something ridiculous.”

“No, of course you wouldn’t,” Virgil agreed, “that’s not what I meant. Names have power over the named but also over the person who named them. Naming suggests attachment. Are you attached?”

Janus looked down at the sleeping infant in his arms and then back up to his partner who was staring at him intently. He had never really given thought to the idea about having children, knowing that the only way he could have them would be magical and never natural. And in his arms was the proof of that.

“I don’t want to be,” Janus said quietly.

Virgil only groaned, pulling his hoodie strings tighter. “Ugh, guess we have a baby now.”

* * *

Living with a baby wasn’t that much more difficult than living with Virgil as a roommate. Sure, there was the added factor that Janus had to change diapers now, but what was the difference between changing shit and cleaning shit off walls? He also had experience cleaning after shit with his actual day job that he had to take paternity leave off of. Thank the gods for the fact that he owned the place.

The only downside to having Emile was the fact that Janus was _so_ tired now. And there was no time for rest, not when Emile was learning how to crawl and that meant babyproofing the whole entire house lest he got somewhere dangerous.

And with how Janus had already babyproofed the house from Virgil after how many accidents he had with his own potions, it meant a lot more locked doors and cabinets.

Janus, if he wasn’t actively playing with Emile, was more than likely not dead asleep on a couch or a bed, a mustache or something drawn on his face after Emile had broken into their art supply storage.

It would be endearing if not for the fact that during those dead asleep moments Emile had broken into the oven, Virgil’s medicine cabinet, Janus’ medicine cabinet, their whiskey and alcohol (breaking multiple bottles), _and_ Virgil’s cauldron closet.

And this was all within an hour.

But Janus wouldn’t trade Emile for the world if it meant he got to see that gummy smile and pink eyes laughing at him.

The little shit learned how to open doors though, and that was _not_ a fun afternoon.

Virgil, for all his flaws, was a wonderful partner in these trying times, locking himself, Janus’ snake and his own spider, and his other dangerous things away into his own rooms and only coming out when forced, or maybe not even then. It was a toss up with Virgil. But he was a viable and available babysitter and at least knew magic to instantly clean things up when Janus was too tired to do anything more than a cursory swipe.

It was one such afternoon with Janus completely knocked out on the couch when Virgil dared to come out of his work room.

Emile, having somehow learned to speed crawl and stand with support, was leaning heavily against a wall and holding a crayon like it was a piece of gold. Their walls had already been destroyed once again, scribbles lining up all over the place.

“Whoa there,” Virgil said, racing over and scooping up the baby. “You’re gonna become the next Banksy with that drive. But Jan doesn’t need to worry about walls now, does he?”

“Yes!” Emile shrieked, having learned how to speak small words by now.

“No,” Virgil exaggeratedly shook his head, hair swishing back and forth, “he doesn’t. Be a good boy now, Em. And let Jan sleep a little, okay? Wanna hang out with me?”

“No!” Emile screamed cheerfully.

“Well, tough shi—shiz,” Virgil corrected at the last minute. Staying cooped up in his room had not meant self-censoring himself enough to be able not to curse every other second. At least he had the wherewithal to change his word in the last second.

“Shiz!” Emile copied brightly, staring up at Virgil with bright pink eyes.

Virgil couldn’t help but melt at the wide-eyed expression, wrapping a finger around a strand of magenta hair and tugging lightly. “Yeah, shiz, kiddo. Ah, shiz, am I turning into Patton? God, I hope not.”

“Shiz!” Emile said insistently, and Virgil glanced a look at Janus, still dead asleep but shifting a bit, arms reaching out like he was looking for Emile. That would be cute if not for the fact that Janus slept like the dead and probably won’t be waking up for a while.

“Well, kid, what d’ya want to do?”

Emile only looked at him with wide eyes, sucking his thumb.

This was going to be a long afternoon.

**\---**

“And this is how you get the green apple flavour.” Janus woke up to hear Virgil saying. “Yeah, some customers really like green apple, which I find gross, but Jan always likes to eat them for me whenever we get Jolly Ranchers and if he gets a strawberry that means I get to eat that, so it evens out for us. But, like, I can’t get, _voluntarily,_ liking green apple. Like that’s a pie flavour, and it’s so sour. Gross.”

“That artificial strawberry ain’t any better,” Janus rumbled out, voice deeper as he woke out.

“Jan!” Virgil whirled around, hair tied up in various places making him look like a weird gremlin thing. Emile looked like he was having the time of his life, magenta hair neatly clipped back with cherry hair clips. He was waving around a small empty vial like a rocketship, completely ignoring everyone else.

“You’re awake! You good?” Virgil stood up, giving Janus a hand to sit up right. Janus groaned, stretching. “Is your scoliosis okay?”

“Could be better, glad it’s not worse.” Janus winced as he popped something. He groaned, rubbing his shoulder. “And what are my two favourite people in the world doing?”

“I dunno, you should ask Christian Borle and Andrew Rannells, not us,” Virgil quipped. He grabbed Emile, pulling him into his lap and started playing with the tufts of hair there. Janus gave him the stink eye as he left the couch and knelt down to Emile’s level.

“Apple!” Emile said happily, and Janus smiled.

“Yeah, baby, I do smell apple. It’s my favourite, do you like apple?”

Emile gave him a look of total consideration, looking down at his hands, then at Janus, then Virgil. “No!” “Ha!” Virgil crowed in success, “no one likes that sour fruit except you, you weirdo.”

“The only sour fruit I see here is a sour grape,” Janus threw back, giving him a look. Virgil glared back at him, sticking a tongue out. Janus, watching Emile intently, discreetly threw up his middle finger, ignoring how Virgil gasped incredulously.

“Janus, there are _children_ here,” he cried in mock outrage.

“Yes, there are two that I can see,” Janus said dryly.

“How dare you? I’m an adult, I pay a mortgage and everything.”

“No, _I_ pay the mortgage and all your other bills. You just hand me your share of it and leave the rest to me,” Janus said.

“You got me there,” Virgil threw him a pair of finger guns, a lopsided smirk on his lips.

Emile tried to copy Virgil to Janus’ consternation and the kid’s own frustration when he could only throw up one. Emile gave a cry of anger, shooting one finger gun at Virgil, the best he could do.

Virgil threw a hand over his heart and another over his forehead, crying out in mock outrage. “Ah, no! He got me!” Emile shrieked in joy, clapping his hands at Virgil’s overacting.

“You’re getting to be just as overdramatic as Roman,” Janus commented, ignoring the quick glare that Virgil shot him. “Though, I haven’t seen you as overenthusiastic with anyone besides me, but that’s usually only when you have a breakthrough with one of your conspiracies.”

“I’m running on three cans of RedBull, Monster, and fumes,” Virgil replied nonchalantly. “I literally don’t have the mental capacity to care right now. And besides, Em is just a baby. He’s not gonna remember anything.”

“Virgil,” Janus said, disapproving. Virgil rolled his eyes, but Janus pressed, “Emile is to have his nap time later, you should join him.”

“I’m not a baby, _mom_.” Virgil sneered.

“No, but you’re going to pass out, and we do not need a repeat of two years ago, do we?” Janus said with a knowing and slightly condescending look.

Virgil winced, the memory not at all fond. He had been running on three hours of sleep and five cans of energy drinks _and_ shots. He had been pulling all nighter after all nighter to complete seven rounds of orders that he had to deliver, pushing himself to the brink of exhaustion. After finally finishing the last one, Virgil, quite literally, passed out where he stood, which was right above a hot stove. It was only Janus’ quick thinking and extra hands that was able to save Virgil from getting the same burns as Janus.

“Alright, alright, I _guess_ I can take a nap with the little bugger,” Virgil scrubbed his knuckles over Emile’s head, messing up magenta hair even more.

“Good, take him into his room now, if you wouldn’t mind. Have you eaten?”

“We _both_ have, thank you very much. I’m not _that_ much of a danger to myself,” Virgil sniffed delicately, feigning offense with his arms crossed.

“No, only a little bit,” Janus said dryly.

“Fu—screw you!” Virgil said, chancing a guilty look at Emile, who had already decided that their conversation was pointless and had crawled to an empty cauldron to try and crawl inside.

“We both have higher standards than that, Virge,” Janus said, eyebrow raised but eyes full of amusement.

“Oh, whatever,” Virgil flushed, moving swiftly to catch Emile and swing him onto his hip. “Me and Emile are leaving now. Do whatever snakes do I guess. Oh, and if you wouldn’t mind, feed Athena and Medusa for me, thanks.” He left after that, babbling quietly to Emile with the undertones of complaint.

Janus only smiled, watching them walk off.

**\---**

Virgil watching after Emile that day had only furthered his relationship to the kid, quickly becoming just as attached as Janus.

It wasn’t unusual to see Virgil whisking off with Emile into his (now babyproofed) work room and staying with him for hours. If Janus walked past the door, he could hear Emile’s peels of laughter and Virgil’s somewhat panicked but still put together scolding.

Janus wasn’t as worried about Virgil somehow hurting Emile as he thought he would be. Nor was he as worried about letting Emile out of his sight as he thought he would be. If anything, he was _relieved_ that Virgil and Emile were getting along. He thought he would be jealous but really he was just glad that he was able to sleep for a couple hours without any interruptions.

And it was always an adorable sight to see Virgil and Emile interact. Virgil treated Emile as if he was a tiny adult and Emile looked at Virgil like he hung the stars.

Emile was just as enraptured with Athena and Medusa once Janus had deemed him old enough to meet them. He obsessively stroked over Medusa’s smooth scales, rubbing at Athena’s fuzzy fur. If anything, Emile was ever out of playmates.

When Janus had tried to go to work, he found himself incessantly worrying over Emile, even though he knew that he had nothing to worry about with Virgil watching over him. Alas, the trials and tribulations of being a parent would never cease.

And Janus was wrong to worry, like he knew he would be. Once he had gotten home, after giving all the animals their goodbye pets, he found Virgil _and_ Emile passed out on the couch, Emile laying heavily on Virgil’s chest and Virgil’s arm wrapped protectively over Emile.

Virgil’s eyebags had gotten a little lighter ever since he started taking naps with Emile, getting more than a full night of sleep sometimes, but also still pulling all nighters once Janus had taken to watching Emile some nights.

It was much better than he could ever hope for.

Janus carefully tiptoed over to the sleeping pair, cautiously trying to pullEmile out of Virgil’s arms. Virgil grumbled, pulling Emile back into a hug, “Piss off,” he murmured, “get Emile hugs next time, right now it’s my turn.”

Suppressing a smile, Janus only pressed a kiss to the top of both his boys’ heads and quietly left just as he entered.

His family, Janus thought, he wouldn’t ever wish for anything different.

“Piss,” he heard Emile murmur sleepily.

Well, he might, given the right incentive.

* * *

“Now, Emile, you must be on your best behaviour, do you understand?” Janus was crouched on his knees to be eye level, Emile sitting on his play mat surrounded by toys and stuffed animals.

“Gah!” Emile stuck his hand out, trying to give Janus a toy.

“Yes, thank you,” Janus curled a hand around the stuffie, shaking it and making Emile dissolve into a bunch of giggles. He handed back the toy when Emile made grabby hands, smiling indulgently. “Now as I was saying, it is Virgil’s birthday, but he doesn’t know that we are holding a small celebration for him, will you be a good boy?”

“Goo’ bo’!” Emile nodded his head seriously in agreement.

“Wonderful, my darling,” Janus pushed a few fingers into his small strands of hair. He looked around at the living room, still in a bit of disarray. “Alright, now here’s what we’re going to do.”

With time and effort, Janus was able to construct a modest pillow fort with only a few distractions from Emile. Rearranging a room and couches while also subtly making sure his kid didn’t destroy his corner of the living room took a lot longer than he had anticipated.

But he managed well enough. The couches were pushed to the sides, couch cushions pulled off and used as walls as well as bedding. Light bed sheets were used as the roof and the heavier bed sheets lined the walls to ensure maximum darkness inside. One opening is allowed for entrance and exit, and even that had a flap that he could pull open and close when desired.

Lamps littered the four corners of the fort so that they wouldn’t be in total darkness when the sun set, and there was a projector for when they were feeling spicy and wanted to see the stars without _actually_ seeing the stars. Another projector was also added into the mix for when they inevitably wanted to watch a movie but didn’t want to share a laptop screen.

A mini fridge hung at the fringes of the fort, covered and tucked into the back. Well stocked and full of all of Virgil’s favourite snacks. Athena and Medusa were already fed and dozing back in Virgil’s room, and the only one he had to worry about was Emile. But the droopy eyes and little yawns were telling him that Janus didn’t have to worry long.

Janus crawled out of the fort, noticing that the sun was just starting to set. Virgil had been out, forced to hang out with Patton and Logan after not seeing them in three weeks. Well, Janus said forced when really it was all consensual.

Right on cue, he heard the door open and Virgil complaining, “Jan, you won’t _believe_ what Patton told me now—What the fuck is this?”

“Shh,” Janus hushed quickly. “Emile is still here, and I do _not_ want him to be as foul mouthed as you.”

“Sorry, sorry,” Virgil obligingly lowered his voice, looking very out of place but also somehow in place in his winter wear with the cozy atmosphere, “but seriously what the heck is this, Snake?” Virgil started to take off his scarf and coat, hanging them on the hooks.

“Happy birthday, Vee,” Janus said nervously, “I was supposed to get you an actual present for your birthday, but with Emile, I couldn’t find the time. I know how stressed you were with your last couple of orders though, so I was hoping that now that you’re done, you’d like to just— watch movies and hang out in a pillowfort.”

“Janus, you absolute bastard, you’re the best,” Virgil choked out, a laugh in his throat and his eyes bright with relief and happiness. He walked over to Janus who was standing nervously at the door of the fort. Virgil tugged him into a tight hug, nuzzling into his shoulder and murmuring, “Hell yeah, I wanna hang out in a pillowfort. Who the fuck do you think I am?”

“Fu’k!” Emile repeated brightly if a bit sleepily, rubbing at his eyes.

“Oh, shit.”

“Shi’!”

“Virgil!”

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, hello, hello!
> 
> This is for [this wonderful emo](https://emo-does-things.tumblr.com/) for the Sanders Sides Gift Exchange! I hope you enjoy this and a little something extra as well! 
> 
> Happy Holidays!
> 
> [my tumblr](https://rubyredsparks.tumblr.com/)


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